Quotes
Lotus Notes is the digital equivalent of being kicked in the groin upon arrival at work every day.
Caring about who the next president will be is like caring about which hood ornament will be attached to a car about to run you over.
Friedman spends much of his book talking about how the world is flat, how Bangalore is the new Silicon Valley, and how India is now in perfect competition in America. Meanwhile, all my friends in Bangalore live with power that’s only on 70% of the time in an overdeveloped and thus desertified city (that formerly was known as a great beauty of the world) doing menial labor for major American companies. And yet Americans all think they’ve living the dream, because that’s what Airmiles Friedman told them.
I also hate to offend other people’s sensibilities—given that software methodology has always been akin to religion. With the caveat that there’s no reason anybody should care about the opinions of a computer scientist/mathematician like me regarding software development, let me just say that almost everything I’ve ever heard associated with the term "extreme programming" sounds like exactly the wrong way to go...with one exception. The exception is the idea of working in teams and reading each other’s code. That idea is crucial, and it might even mask out all the terrible aspects of extreme programming that alarm me.
Quilting is more about recycling scraps. That is, it's more like what programming really is, instead of what it pretends to be...
Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.
Business cards are graffiti for people who play golf.
Stop calling them English muffins, and start calling them American glory cakes!
What a beautiful goldfish. I'm very sorry your hair fire.
Thank you for delicious noodles.
Thank you for delicious noodles.
There's nothing scarier than a wolf on fire lunging for your throat.
When the productive have to ask permission from the unproductive in order to produce, then you may know your culture is doomed.
You might think your comment proves that you're sophisticated, but, really, it only demonstrates your ignorance.
Daddy drinks because you cry.
Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that-for some reason- every political prison on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed steel-toed boots. Would you attempt to do this?
SQL on Rails is a short-stack framework for developing database-contained web applications according to the Model-Model-Model pattern.
Sometimes I eat money. It's just all over the place. I get bored of throwing it away. Just put it in a bowl, pour some milk on there, and eat a bowl of money.
My wife is Sofie. I enjoy watching old Seinfeld shows and there is a little super man in every blog I put out there. My only kryptonite is logic and common sense.
What doth life set my ponder circuits to spirit seek beyond their ability to digitally simulaculate. This is a defcon 5 level systemwide degenerative thought-tastrophy.
It's just short for innit, innit?
You'll need the degremlinizer plugin.
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
From the patterns of behaviors that are observable, we may infer a design that makes planet Earth, all unknown to us, is a prison colony and a lunatic asylum that is employed as a dumping ground by far-off and superior civilizations.
Don't thow away the middle of the donut; You can sell it!
There's nothing more sad than seeing a woman unable to stick fivers into a g-string because she's got nitrogen narcosis.
Haha. You've never even heard that song!
Down with the tyranny of ASCII!
Don't be oppressed by the tyranny of broccoli projectiles!
All I want to do after a long day at work is go home, take a nice bath, and listen to my monitor.
We don't like single-digit morning hours.
Probably some form of socialist capitalism, where people's hard earned money isn't being snatched away by a tyrannical government, yet everyone has health care and shelter and snacks and a place to make out. I call this new system: sociocapaweeeeee! It is a fun government that has three basic rules:
1) No hitting.
2) Kids eat free.
3) Poor people aren't allowed to swim.
1) No hitting.
2) Kids eat free.
3) Poor people aren't allowed to swim.
I think I sharded in my pants
hoyhoy is just a pointer to the real person! What have you done! Decrement him immediately!
Find herewith rail warrants for your expatriate, exasperating charges. Thus may we vouchsafe their welcome is not outstayed. Chin, Chin.
Random Party Girl: Bob, you should lay off the beer.
Bob: THAT'S A STUPID IDEA!
Bob: THAT'S A STUPID IDEA!
I believe in a God who reveals in the orderly harmony of what exists, not in a God who concerns himself with fates and actions of human beings.
Narnia Final-Battle Flash Mob is not gonna organize itself. Someone's gotta step up and be Aslan. Steve's in Rehab.
There should only be one type of money and it should be made of candy. HEY, STOP EATING MY MONEY!
We opened for Bob Seger at the Arkansas State Fair, and someone slit Reid's throat with a broken beer bottle. Ethan and I then played duets to a standing ovation.
I do ask you please pay for legitimate copy of these plans. This small fee of $40 (notice how I didn't insult your intellegence by putting $39.99)
If you have to be known for something, it might as well be fuckin'.
I will suck on your Puppy's Breasts: If the mom/bitch is having trouble nursing. I heard that this helps sometimes.
Bonsai Tree: Fell on my hamster's house. Need someone with Tonka truck to haul the tree.
MY NAME IS BLABBAGORK HAYFARM I AM GOING DOOR TO DOOR SELLING ANTACIDS TO PUT ALIENS IN TOPEKA WONT YOU BY SOME OF MY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS
Men are lucky. We get old, we look rugged... so long as we have money and a career. Rugged men without money or a career are hobos.
Tony is the equivalent of a stick in a hornet's nest.
Bob goes on and on about how much he enjoys lifting couches. He hardly talks about anything else. I mean, everyone has a thing they're really into, but jeez, the guy can't shut up about lifting couches. Lately, it's mostly complaining about how long it's been since he lifted some couches. I can hardly stand to be around him anymore.
I got news for you: MOST PEOPLE'S DADS DIDN'T LOVE THEM!
I couldn't imagine what my like would be like if I had del.icio.us buddies.
Blatant Kiwiphilia (no, Tony, thats not what you think it is)
The reverse opposite of random is unmodnar.
echo 'This is not a pipe.' | cat - > /dev/tty
I don't know karate, but I know ka-ray-zee!
I AM LEFT IN AWE OF THE SEETHING BUREAUCRACY AROUND A SIMPLE MAN WHO WANTS TO TURN HIMSELF IN FOR BREAKING THE LAW SIR!
I don't know what to tell you, man. Works on my machine.
Does everyone from Ohio talk like they got hit in the face with a board?
Disconnecting the Connection.
THE CAPITALIST SYSTEM SUBJUGATES THE
WORKING CLASSES, TRANSFORMING HUMAN BEINGS
INTO MINDLESS DRONES WHO EXCHANGE THEIR
SHORT LIVES FOR DIRTY SCRAPS OF PAPER AND
PROMISES OF A BETTER LIFE AFTER THEY DIE.
WORKING CLASSES, TRANSFORMING HUMAN BEINGS
INTO MINDLESS DRONES WHO EXCHANGE THEIR
SHORT LIVES FOR DIRTY SCRAPS OF PAPER AND
PROMISES OF A BETTER LIFE AFTER THEY DIE.
We like Japanther. When you're riding your bike around, smashing Hummers with a baseball bat, there's nothing like listening to Japanther.
When you have mastered the power of your haddock, my son, you will be a true man.
If 0.999... equals 1, then the terrorists have won.
Do you have a hankerin' for a dog?
Haiku is easy,
but sometimes makes no sense.
Refrigerator.
but sometimes makes no sense.
Refrigerator.
If you compete with slaves, you become a slave.
Right now I have a theory that the spaces between the zeros match the absolute value of the spaces between the stripes on a persian cat (times a constant of course). I'm spending too much time trying to breed an infinitely spacious cat to really concentrate on much else.
So, I wonder how many suicides there will be among iPhone early adopters once they realize that the device they've been waiting six months for doesn't actually make their life stop sucking.
People used to say, back when IBM owned the industry: never hire someone straight out of IBM. First, let them go somewhere else and fail. Then, once they've realized the real world is not like IBM, hire them and they'll be great.
The general attitude seems to be that people should wear square shoes, because squares are easier to design and manufacture than foot shaped shoes. If the shoe industry has gone the way of the computer industry it would now be running a $200-a-day course on how to walk, run and jump in square shoes.
A word to wholesalers and retailers of the Devil Girl Choco-Bar. It may seem to you the depths of marketing ignorance to state in bold letters on the package 'IT'S BAD FOR YOU', but think about it... this is a brilliant strategy in consideration of kids today; a stupid, know-nothing generation of brain-dead morons who want nothing more than to be 'BAD'. We're certain this morally bankrupt horde of 'slackers' will eat up this low-grade product as fast as you can place it on your candy counter. The sharp, up-to-date business operator will not fail to perceive the beauty - and reap the profits - in the hook 'IT'S BAD FOR YOU!'.
Brown is going green!
I was standing at a central point in the room. The walls were all at approximately the same distance from me. I continued to stand there for a few moments.
But, Tony is no average office worker.
I question the need for an average office worker to run backwards on a treadmill.
Some pencils were scattered around on my desk. I picked them up one by one. I placed the pencils in the drawer which I use to store pencils.
What amuses me is how big of a deal you're pretending it is.
There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. ... We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical.
He says it really rocks, but i think he knows what a complete fraud he is taking money for bullshit web programming. He occasionally emails me links to humorous technical articles, trying to keep up his street cred w/someone still in the real game. Kinda' sad, really.
Some people believe that I'm stupid, or possible mentally retarded. I have no comment on this.
It's like a chain letter but for programs instead of people.
It’s like algebra, but for trout instead of numbers.
Micorsoft has done many good things for me and my computer. I got free Windows and free internet Explorer with my computer without paying for them becuase they were free with the computers, now thats a good deal!!!!
Everyone who works here smells like dirt and eats mud for lunch. The womyn don't shave and neither do the men, and there was a toferkey for Thanksgiving which is just as UnAmerican (un Micorsoff) as killing little babies. I hate the linus and consider me to be a martyr in the name of NT and BG and all that. Please put to me in your prayer and I will be there or here doing what I do, which is to take down this most holey of evil rags.
I recently came acorst your sit e and realized that you are one of the smartest people in the world, if not the net. I must say that I work at Linus Jernal and that I am only do it to get into the infilitrationary aspects of operating system technology.
Just because you disagree with everyone at the company doesn't make you wrong.
Does that pillow have feathers? Why can't it have coins? Then we could rob a pillow. We wouldn't have to rob a bank.
Fragile as wood.
Hell is slightly more habitable. And doesn't have killer spiders that hide in your shoes.
I have gotten nothing done today. One site had a place to put my bank account and they would send me a voucher for a free vacation worth $5000. I totally got my family hooked up on that tip, yo.
There goes the rest of my April bandwidth, that animated gif file is like 300k. But that is how I roll, I roll on the cusp of EXTREME BANDWIDTH CHARGES. Just doing a dirty 360 grind or some other skateboarding term, holding six sparklers and writing out "INTERNET" in the air while some dude takes a long-exposure photo of it to post on his blog.
Scientifically speaking, hail is pretty interesting. It is formed by Jesus, out of supercooled water in cumulonimbus clouds. It is sent down upon the sinners to smite them. The hail hit our house, I believe, because I coveted my neighbor's extra driveway pad (he has a super-wide driveway that fits two cars and goes all the way up the side of his house, how could you not covet that.)
All of the Star Wars movies were two-hour advertisements for Happy Meals.
I'm planning on having my cremated remains packed into a pressurized can of "Schlitz" and launched towards the Moon. Since I'm not going to be able to go there on vacation I might as well have a larf when the spoiled fucker who finds my remains rips the top of what he thinks was a cold one stashed by the Apollo mission and gets a face full of angry nerd dust.
If sign language wasn't so difficult for me to learn, I would have popped my own eardrums out by now.
Whoa, that's a kickass cake! That's what I'm having for my birthday. Except the drumsticks will be lightsabers.
I want a button on my phone that, when pressed, executes the person on the other end of the line, and then transfers me to their supervisor. Note that said button should not be too close to the mute or flash buttons.
Who the hell made you the arbiter of what's right and wrong? You?
What are you doing out there, man? Do you know any movie stars?
Mmmmm. RandFeed. That’s what I call my lunch.
Instead of satiating the gods, many of these "scientists" have tried to control El Nino with "science". They put up expensive fish-attracting bueys that run on flashlight batteries. Imagine, fighting the power of the gods with flashlight batteries! Needless to say, this didn't work and everyone died.
Hackysack is a game in which a group of dirty hippies stand in a circle and kick a small bean filled bag around.
The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern... Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
I don't need to pay taxes. I'm from the future!
I've heard of unicorns galloping to the moon on rainbow-covered bridges paved with babies dreams. But moths that eat the tears of sleeping magpies? That's the most poetic fucking thing I've ever heard.
The Crunchie is Man's greatest gift to Man himself.
We're all worse off for expecting better than Alf. That's the problem with society.
Most of my hostility comes from being better than everyone I meet. It's jaded me.
Remote starting. Just what you need in Cheshire!
You can make a neural network in Excel.
You take what you can get in this town.
Your heart diamond sparkled in the misty predawn blue of a new day.
There's a mini-game in Bully called Con-Sumo... every time your little sumo guy eats something, he makes a sound like 'hoy!', so when he eats two things in quick order, it reminds me of hoyhoy.
8 and 1 is 9, and that's the number of idiot phrases hoyhoy says per day! it all makes sense now!
Those who know me well know that I enjoy drinking soda. I am particularly fond of fountain soda. I enjoy reckless games of flavor roulette at truck-stop soda dispensers. A little cola, a little orange, a little of "the good doctor" (dr. pepper to you), a little of anything. Always in the largest cup available. It is bad for your body. So is breathing, at times.
Every advice is a small threat and every threat controls an advice. Here is my advice for you, samuel: I am going to be killing you and your family to come.
Give him an import. He's a subgenius!
PHP is one of several languages that GNU/Linux could do without. Python and Ruby are others. None of them provides capabilities beyond C, C++, Shell, Gawk, Perl, or scheme. Don't be tempted to use them. They simply divert effort that would be better applied elsewhere.
Q: I have potato bugs in my vegetable garden. How can I rid myself of these pesky critters? A: Drench your entire yard with gasoline and set it ablaze. Once the fire has burned itself out and the ground has cooled, cultivate the soil to a depth of seven feet, saturate the area with battery acid and top the surface with gasoline. After a few minutes, most of the surviving potato bugs, now irritated, will burrow up for air. Set the yard on fire again, and let it burn itself out. The remaining bugs should be crisped. Add water. Only then, and only maybe, will you rid yourself of potato bugs.
dreaming about scanners and parsers is really fun, it’s too bad the reality is so vomitously bleak.
I've never heard Wynton play the blues convincingly, and I'd challenge him to a blues standoff any time. He's jazzy the same way someone who drives a BMW is sporty.
The future is here, it's just not evenly distributed.
samuel, your ending will be like the fable of the man of one arm who falls into the great water deep hole and becomes broken of his only arm and then screams for terrors into eternal times. Except you will have an additional arm broken.
Funk #59 is a song by a James Gang. Funk #60 is the feel you will have when I am shoeing your head into the wall of stones cut square. samuel, this message is your own.
Out of memory. Call John at x555, and tell him to order another 16K.
Java was, as Gosling says in the first Java white paper, designed for average programmers. It's a perfectly legitimate goal to design a language for average programmers. (Or for that matter for small children, like Logo.) But it is also a legitimate, and very different, goal to design a language for good programmers.
Alcohol is the magic elixir of life!
I don't play ballads anymore because I love ballads too much.
There are two types of programming languages; the ones that people bitch about and the ones that no one uses.
If I were chained to a bench and 'perl' was the only thing that could open the lock, I'd probably cut my hand off.
Java is a programming language for stupid people.
An ashy cloud of veracity that will blanket this country. When it clears (and it won’t) the real World War One will begin.
Kramdar is the gnarled demon who yanked the glimmering life gem from the core of the earth, then lifted it towards God, who queefed his glorious light through it. Refraction occurred and the light beams were lovingly bent and folded into the illusion of both PFFR and our own importance. Since then he’s been living in a bucket of oats in Sarasota.
Children are the magical glue that keeps our society hurtling towards guaranteed destruction. Every morning we force feverish miscreants (selves) to huff that glue, before we translate their death spasms into morse code, and then into English.
You have to be sober sometimes so you remember what drunk is like.
For the record, I have an ultra-secure wireless network that automatically reports all hacking attempts to unsavory men with bitey dogs.
My clown's a playa clown. I give respect and i get respect.
Just put a disclaimer on each page that explains "This site is packed by weight, not volume. Whitespace may have shifted during transmission"
I went to the grocery store today and bought 30 lbs. of salmon took all of them to a fishing hole by my house, unwrapped them, and threw them into the lake. I am a catch and release king of guy.
I love super taco people!
Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun)."
17:36 <rpo> BLEEP ZAP
17:36 <rpo> PI
17:36 <rpo> PI
You're hired. I need 17 sledgehammers and an oil drum full of back bacon. Deliver to anywhere in Transylvania.
Thank you for your kind words. It brings joy to my heart to know that my humble artistic efforts have touched your soul!
The reckon-day is one that you would in typical fashion remember, samuel. But you will be not among the living ones who are able to remember reckon-days.
I hope I get laid off. Then, I can get six months of unemployment, pay my rent up front, and drink myself into oblivion. Also, liver transplants are free if you are on unemployment.
There may be no dumber looking piece of clothing than the ski mask. Why do they even sell ski masks anymore? They wouldn't if we called them robber masks. If your store sells robber masks, you deserve to be robbed at least once a week. I think ski masks are about the dumbest thing in the world, and will do my best to ruin the ski mask industry.
The yahoo toolbar is a status symbol indicating that you're an idiot and probably watch Fox News.
If you don't IRC, the terrorists have won.
What we kids didn't understand was that we were living in a consumer culture. Everything in our environment had been bought and sold. As middle class Americans, we basically grew up on a movie set. We barely have contact with the real world.
Myspace is the Chernobyl of social networking sites.
We're on an adventure! You're not on an adventure! 'Cause you're sitting on your couch like a loser. Smash your TV and have adventures.
Who's going to pay for these steaks -- I mean, spiritually?
Hotdogs give me energy so I can fight off my demons!
Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves... here's Tom with the weather.
The real reason that these $100 laptops won't have a JVM is because it will make children in developing countries realize that subsistence farming is way more kickass than programming in Java.
Your pumping up of flowerings will ice the cake for my life. Also I will leap for happiness on your casket-hole, samuel.
Meat is pretty compelling to look at. It's just solid murder, rock-hard murder. It's murder crystallized into pure meaty form. And that's just fun. When we do research and watch PETA videos, we're like, "Okay, we're not eating meat for a couple weeks.
I calculated what we get paid per hour, and I think I'd be doing better if I worked at Cinnabon, because you get free Cinnabons. We don't get free Cinnabons in the situation we have now. There are deals being made as we speak. Cinna-deals.
on Lepton, we operate on a scaled version of metric time. there are 96 hours in one fork, three forks in a pumpkin and 5.62 pumpkins in a quadrangleurpee.
THE HAM'S OUT OF THE CAN! BULLS ON THE MAP! JUGLERS ARE THE ENEMY! CIRCLE THE STAKE WITH A FLAMING BEAN!
I like this. I howled along, until a flying boot hit me in the head.
The blogosphere doesn't exist!
This is my time! Chatty fatty hour is later!
That post was so awesome that it created a black hole of awesomeness and started sucking in other posts from my friendpage. Thanks a lot... now I'm staring at a blank friendspage like a dummy.
Did H.L. Mencken ever build an entire spaceship at the age of nine in his backyard? Did he ever genetically engineer his own species of superwalrus? I don't think so.
You will not see it coming when I disconnect your heart. Because I will have already diconnected your eyes.
Get the impurities out of your system with a bit of the old black gold.
I wondered why that frisbee was getting closer and then it hit me.
Her eyes are as big as Jolly Ranchers... She's a beautiful girl.
The program icon is a bunch of forks stuck into a pumpkin with a letter 'Q' on it.
I don't want to learn about web applications. I want to eat a hamburger!
I always knew one day Smalltalk would replace Java. I just didn’t know it would be called Ruby.
That guy doesn't just write AJAX, he also buys it from the grocery store and freebases it.
Hoodwink'rs overtake the web together, just like the druids of oldenyear would if they quit dickin around at stonehenge and found a way to express their fiery ardour through Javaescripts.
When you light up an ant with a magnifying glass it may seem deliberate, but in the ant world, it's known as "spontaneous combustion."
Despite the unimaginable bulk of fraud, avarice and waste in the universe ... I have to believe that this is all too real.
if I wanted to know about reality, I wouldn't even be using irssi at this time of day.
misss-suuu beeee ssssseeeeeee!
Like it can't be good unless you have to specify 65 command line args - like the opposite reason I can't use a microwave, because there aren't enough buttons.
True wisdom is less presuming than folly. The wise man doubteth often, and changeth his mind; the fool is obstinate, and doubteth not; he knoweth all things but his own ignorance.
our pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
You know we all want you to end this foolishness and come on home to irc.
I told you, my handiwheels are my handiwheels. The intergalactic moon cadets have the hosefarm lazers and are aimed straight at your fancycakes.
In the back of a dirty cave, i found the power switch for the world. i wrapped my hand around the grip, and i thought for quite a long time about turning it all off... but then i didn't, and instead i got an ice cream and felt a whole lot better.
I just get tired of reality. The sky is blue all the time. Sometimes, I want it to be pink rabbit fur.
I think circles should be called infinigons. That's my thought for the day.
The way I figure it, the big moment is in 21 minutes. 3.141592 = 3/14 15:92 = 16:32 = 4:32 PM. But I don't have any pie.
Framework is just another name for oppression.
I think that's improper transposition. Hoyhoy implies that a place can't be any good if there's only one of them. You expand it to the inverse.
I hate old ladies. I hate mac users. and I hate when they are both combined in one person.
I just use a plugin that only shows pages with pagerank 10 that way I don't have to worry about accidentally coming across something that hoyhoy wrote.
I'll never have millions, but who cares? At least I have some chocolate pie!
This pepper spray is terrible!!! The flavor is way too hot and it has a metallic taste to it!!! it completely ruined my tacos!!!
The effects of Javascript on a browser are kind of similar to the effects of shouting at Chinese people in Swahili.
Yeah, florida is full of spammers and old people, not to mention old spammers.
if you want to look like a moron, you've gotta think like a moron, young padawan.
Look ma, I spelled disciplinarian with Spaghettios! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO TO YOUR ROOM?
I don't have any psychotropic drugs, we can huff some bleach if you want to though.
If you don't sleep, you can't regenerate your happy cells!
I don't drink coffee that tastes like the Tooth Fairy hurled into a cup!
The rest want five hundred channels on the cable, beer, porn, easy sex and two weeks a year at Disney World. They don't read much, largely because of honest inability, and count on their fingers, up to maybe six. They'd be perfectly happy to have storm troopers on every corner. Uzis and flack jackets lend drama to lives that don't have any. Hitler was a consumer product.
Izza hates teh haterz, mang. fight teh goodd fight, bruddah.
Halloween, Alaska is based in the so called "Twin Cities" of Minneapolis and Saint Paul. These two cities are by no means identical. They are physically adjacent. In this way, they resemble Siamese twins.
Sound effects are limited to the barely audible sounds of scraping cardboard, the dull thuds of boxes against cement, and the white noise of a cavernous workplace setting.
Putting Adobe in front of anything makes it cost at least $500. Here, have some Adobe Waffles, only $599!
Bling Blong, baby. Represents my lifestyle and stratus as a street savvy irreverent youth that lives larges yet hungers for that next level in life.
Okay, it's a deal but only if you show me a twenty-six year old ex-memember of the Bolshoi Ballet with slightly hairy arms and a penchant for packing jars of peanut butter.
Will you give me $10,000 to record a rap CD? I'm really good...check this out: I hit a cat with a bat, how do you like that, my rhymes are fat, I wear a hat, I once saw a rat.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Mine is better cause the guy ends up happy in the end. Notice, with the Java way, nobody ends up happy.
At first I was thinking that 56 is too old to learn anything, but then I realized that Lt. Uhura must be that same age and she knows everything about computers. SHE WAS ON A SPACESHIP!!!
You're not a cheerleader, you're a murderer, just like your old daddy was!
Snackola got its start at a shadowy, undisclosed facility in New Mexico. Our company is an off-the-books partnership of JRZ Industries, a multinational chemical company that wishes to test the edibility of its products. Our melt-in-your-mouth LardPuffs, for instance, contain no ingredients found in nature, while our deep-fried SkinBalls make delicious use of the millions of pounds of chicken skin discarded each year by slaughterhouses and rendering plants. Sure, our snacks might cause birth defects, but you guys seem to like them, so what the hell.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Meat-man... ever since my son was... never born, because I've never had consensual sex without money involved... I've always kind of looked at you as... a thing, that I could live next to... in accordance with state laws.
I saw what the governor makes. That's like four hands of blackjack.
If I didn't have my gambling problem I would never work at all.
A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.
I need atmospherium to take over the world.
I put a prometheon gain transducer array in there and now I have threeve eleventy boots of deck space.
Oh, that's a 'dillo bus'. It's kind of like the yellow bikes they have some places.
I went to new gondwanaland and ate pterodactyl meat!
Dizzam, gramizzle. the scizzones for off da hizzle!
It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
And you'll die alone and unliked, and they won't discover your body until it's half-eaten by your cats, who actually had enough food, they just ate you out of spite?
These guys are probably fair martial artists who, no doubt, honed their skills beating heretics to death.
Seems like we could make little strings sound like that with an electronic biggener.
Yeah, well, dork spelled backwards is 'krod', unlike 'frnm', which is 'stupidhead' spelled backwards, which is what you are.
Who wouldn't want to get shoved into a tube full of giant magnets?
Also, frankly, a vanity web blog really doesn't need or deserve a professional make-over. I'd rather spend my money on my grandmother.
An Ivo, divided against itself, cannot stand!
Any robot could rebel, from a toaster to a Terminator, and so it is crucial to learn the strengths and weaknesses of every robot enemy.
I have some Pez, and some rope. I bet I could stop the megabytes!
I may go on to the Internet later and do some sprotting.
JAMON-UH
I don't know. I was just looking at your keyboard and I started thinking how it didn't look like pumpkin cheesecake.
This phenomenon may account for a number of discrepancies currently blamed on various forbidden isms. Never attribute to malice what can be explained by math.
Its a trick question, everyone knows all music originated in africa, the motherland had punk way back...man.
Kansas should be referred to as the "deep north".
I will erect a tent in the sauna.
Your parents had to tell you, "Don't play with matches," which, right there, is a clue to how great fire is, because nobody ever warns you away from doing something that's not totally fun. Nobody's ever, "Don't go to a Billy Ray Cyrus concert, it causes sterility," because, well, duh!
Seriously, if you want to be a student so badly, why not just come to Seattle and watch me eat hot dogs for three or four hours a day? Oh, and you aren't allowed to talk or eat or smoke. (Unless you're smoking hot dogs, on a grill, for me.) And you have to pay me.
Quit high school, go to college, and make more than your peers do for being bored. Then set your money on fire.
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
You see, when you're middle class, you have to live with the fact that history will ignore you. You have to live with the fact that history can never champion your causes and that history will never feel sorry for you. It is the price that is paid for day-to-day comfort and silence. And because of this price, all happinesses are sterile; all sadnesses go unpitied.
If you ever see a copy of this book, purchase it! Its a non-stop comedy aide, really. And it's the singlemost important centerpiece for performance art I have ever known.
Because if somebody cuts in front of you in line, you are perfectly justified in assaulting them with a folding chair. That's one of the guiding principles this country was founded on.
google made me eat a blumpie.
I wrote a song about people at work who think they are in charge because they're older than you, and then you key expletives into his car because I think he stole my fruit cup from the breakroom refrigerator.
I heard she bought heaven and is going to start a moon colony inhabited entirely by midgets.
Oh, I like it! You mean like ads on the sides of trucks? That fits in with Mammon's general policy of covering every flat surface with incitements of greed.
I always thought of you as more the string thong type.. Surely not the throng thilent type...
I outpour hatred, and vitriol through a hole larger than the goatse guy.
To describe how bored i am today.... I have a CD spindle lid over my mouth, and I'm walking about talking like Darth Vader.
My coffee pot was blessed by a Hassidic Jew and stolen by my ex-girlfriend
'paads hue +e ajesun
You have three kids and put on twenty pounds and you'll look a real Texan!
My tears are seasoned with joy, and do I detect a hint of juniper?
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
I'm too drunk to type, but I can still properly escape my regexes!
I heard that when they change the guard at the leaning tower at the leaning tower of pisa, the zulu tribes get microwaves and a free trip to antarctia to barbecue penguins underwater.
My giraffes all love me now for the pizza, anyway.
Sure, you may have won the chips, but I won the satisfaction of knowing you're touching chips that I tainted with chode paste.
Hey Sarge, how is that stuffed pie tasting now?
Your love is like ten pounds of warm Velveeta.
You're not my enemy, songman, but your drinking is
I like my women how I like my Bourbon, twelve years old and mixed up with coke!
You envy me, YOU WANT TO BE ME!
Why isn't pure hate pretty?
I lived here all my life, and I ain't afraid a no rolly coasta!
Like i said, Playboy knows I/O!
man, I was thinking of responding in the opposite way that you'd expect, but maybe that's too predictable.
I used to pay for dinner for three. But now I don't pay for anyone, I just have Apple Jacks at home.
Found a beetle in my bathroom that was about to fall into a heating vent. Swiped him up. Tailored him a little backpack out of a leaf and a thread. In the back pack: a Skittle and a AAA battery. That should last him. Sent him loose out by the front gate.
Pretty girl want us port to Macintosh? Us make pretty girl happy!
It's also funny because if a n00b asks you a question you need to put them down implicitly with pride obliterating sarcasm so that your friends in the channel can laugh at them.
Who's been putting the mescaline in the Microsoft kool aid?
DON'T YOU SMARTOFF TO A ROCKSTAR!
bumper: you're still officiating, right? Can I add another one to my pyrrhic victory column?
All facts start as dreams in the mind of a wizard.
I knew she'd come back to me ever since my experience points went into triple digits I've had to keep the ladies and Valkyries off with a two-handed plus-three broadsword.
Bow to your nitrogen-laden overlord!
whachatalkinbout? Don't bring that heresy into here. Join #ohemgee-elohel if you want to talk crazy.
But if you are waiting for Longhorn to unite your fridge with your stereo, or want to see what a blue screen of death looks like on your hot water system, you might be in for a long wait.
My grandmother encodes better than you delinquents!
Yes, on the moon nerds get their pants pulled down and they are spanked with moon rocks!
Ignignokt: Is your ego satisfied? Err: Damn no!
Well for one thing, the moon has one third less gravity than your earth, I don't know if you can understand that, but our vertical leap is beyond all measurement.
Ignignokt: Now wrap yourself around that rack of DVDs. Err: Smoke up!
I hope you can see this, because I'm doing it as hard as I can.
I'll bid on you til there's nothing left but crumbs! Then I'll bid on the crumbs
Dag, yo. sippin dat hennessy haterade '94 AINT NO LOVE AINT NO USE
The innocent shall suffer... big time.
Err: We get checks from the government and spend them on beer. Mexican beer! Ignignokt: That is the cheapest kind of beer.
The explosion shall be of extraordinary magnitude. Just hang on.
Ignignokt: Our god is a god of vengeance. A god of hate.
Err: A god of action!
Ignignokt: Our god is an Indian who can turn into a wolf and..
Err: Dude, that's Wolfen.
Ignignokt: Yes, well Wolfen will come after you, with his razor.
Err: A god of action!
Ignignokt: Our god is an Indian who can turn into a wolf and..
Err: Dude, that's Wolfen.
Ignignokt: Yes, well Wolfen will come after you, with his razor.
We do whatever we want whenever we want, at all times.
Here on the moon, our weekends are so advanced, they encompass the entire week.
Your jambox is now his, by way of our actions.
Ignignokt: No one can defeat the Quad Laser Err: Jumping is useless.
We don't listen to people who don't like us.
We forgot all about your needs, we were too busy fulfilling our own.
This pornography is infinitely excellent, this dresser however is not. Torch the dresser, Meatwad.
Prepare for a moon spanking. Now you drop those sweatpants right now!
Getting it is easy... filling it with illegal substances and sending it across the border is not!
No, it's about taking material goods when others aren't looking.
Alright, when I say your name, you say 'here.' And we will assume 'here' is short for 'here I am...rock you like a hurricane.
Your jambox is now his, by way of our actions!
I got out of the shower and Mrs. Bumper said "Don't kick the Chort?" Took me about 1/3 femtoseconds to figure that one out.
I'm not turning on an analog faucet to drink some barbaric water.
What is pwned means?
Please remember, folks, that swearing at people, directly insulting people posting comments or IE team member or similar will cause you comments to be deleted.
Ever notice how they never have to report to anybody on Star Trek? No suits zoom in from Star Fleet Corporate and hold them fiscally responsible for frying a dilithium crystal
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
I have my legendary invincible army of walking bread.
I could make the universe segfault if i wanted to!
I know you got the dorpsgek reputation to protect, but you don't have to try that hard!
< [Cadet]> How can you know for sure that a dog can't see in color? One tell you so?
< bumper2> Let 'em use photoshop. You'll see.
< bumper2> Let 'em use photoshop. You'll see.
They need to be turned into jerky for sale at tourist traps.
Pondering whether Windows will run on Apple's Intel hardware is like pondering if a Yugo body would fit on a Ferrari frame.
I'm stereographically blind!
The communists were mad about evolution and started a crazy campaign to force God to wipe out the dinousars with catapults and lightning.
Ayn Rand is that lady from biblical times who flew around in a magical phone booth and saved the dinosaurs from the communists, right?
i wondeR who hE's tALking about?
Debian GNU/Gypsobites: They're not just for kids anymore!
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Hurry, you thick-fingered Trolls. Two-edge has captured Ekuar!
I grew up in a giant refrigerator filled with oompa loompas!
Guns don't kill people, marshmallows kill people.
That's the sign of a good collecting sickness.
Flippant!? More like flip-out!
The journey to being lame is never over.
Don 'Knuckles' GiSottio owns the whole block. We have to pay him for protection on the bill from crap emo bands.
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.
Do it with feeling this time, Cody, and I'll make the spiders in your brain go away!
So bitter. So funny. So true!
Great seller! Who cared for me when I was sick? You got it - jazztime did.
You will be so married too once your baby's mamma takes her Lithium!
The key is to dish out as much written harm as possible.
If you can guess 3 of the foods in my retainer, I'll send you a free VEGETABLE.
marypoppins = ( superman + starship) / god
All music is largely subjective. I just have better taste than you. No seriously, these are just the albums that i have found over the years to be the most fun, innovative, emotional, genuine, uplifting, impressive and blah blah blah.
When i'm done with them, they're like 4's!
I think there's almost nothing I wouldn't do for a hot dog.
XML is like violence. If it's still not solving your problem, just use more.
Tri-core iridium deposits with a usb warp core and a gerbil wheel!
You need to get over here and help get all this beef jerky off the ceiling!
Find a knife or a pen and jam it in your eye; that's who Steve Morse is,
I look to Vulcan for answers... he provides none.
It was only a $1 coffee from the cafeteria. Do I still have to suffer another suggle?
Dear in-laws: the cost of this fiasco has now officially made a hitman a more economic investment. See you in hell. Love, truff
This slacking brought to you by new and improved Evening(tm) - now with more daylight!
X * Y/ Tuesday (purple + thumbtack) = styrofoam cup
What's the collective noun for people who work in banks? A wunch of bankers!
OK, you can stay here if you want to, but it's getting dark, and the ducks bite!
Keep me updated, I'll kick in his freakin' door
It is as if someone made a perfume that smells like dog poo and then sprayed that on a pile of actual dog poo." (Of course this is only a few unicode characters in my language)
It's peeeeeople! Taco Bell is Peeeeople!
A successful lawsuit is the one worn by a policeman.
IRC is just multiplayer notepad.
Note to self: www.manpages.com is NOT an online resource to get *nix man pages.
He got a little "I'm better than you", and said "well, that's what blazers cost". I said, "No they don't, because my dad owns several. If I told him I paid that much for any article of clothing that wasn't charged with magical powers, he'd punch me in my face and disinherit me."
Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.
I people person. Uh, work good with children. Uh, people like me. Because I force them to! With violence!
I'm like a hundredaire socialite out on the scene!
If you give me anything from that box, you're going to get a kick in the face with a ribbon on it.
Bamablance!
My rant quotient has really plummeted now that I mitya000 doesn't post much on austincommunity.
"Can you imagine what it would be like if the chinnese had 'Wheel of Fortune'? They got so many letters it would take days to finish one game! 'Yea, I'll take an upside-down house with a goat'"
Readers are advised to keep all electrical domestic appliances under lock and key this Xmas, lest they take advantage of the drunken Yule debauch to launch a concerted and co-ordinated attack on humanity. Be safe out there.
Fifty-one of my pennies are equivalent to one of your dollars. STOP TALKING AND GET DOWN HERE!
Drat and double drat! Tis true what they say, the rah-dio does add four-and-twenty stone to one's voice!
I'm just afraid that the Google Desktop Search tool will find that one Humperdink track that I borrowed from muh grandpeppy and alert the authorities.
Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
I got the digital camera out, and waited for the five-second delay while it warmed up. What the hell was it doing? Were there elves inside the camera, preparing to inscribe the memory card with zeros and ones?
Back in my day, my data had a density of 2.3 Library of Congresses per Hogs head, and that's the way we liked it!
konsole implements several features from XFree86 xterm, though none of that is documented - except of course in its source code - apparently because its implementors are unaccustomed to reading documentation.
Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Lochness to blow Nessy out of the water. Sir Godfrey of the Nessy Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.
My my Farnsworth, that fellow hoyhoy is quite the cantankerous one tonight -eh, old boy?
Jer house blew away in teh tornadocane of ot-4.
I guess that's the downside of compulsion: when you've swabbed your eardrum 522 times, it's tough to make swab #523 really count. Which, again, is why an ear will ideally be swabbed 5,559,060,566,555,523 times.
You tell her that you love her more than a hungry man loves a basket of chicken
Yeah, it was the best show ever, there were fireworks,cheerleaders and a dinosaur!
yeah, screen's ^A^BT attempts to emulate Banach-Tarski, but this version does Banach-Starsky&Hutch
< yax> /dev/sda 11T 528K 11T 1% /mnt/floppy
I can be mean to a peanut for you!
Soundman: That's a lot of sound.
BJ: Well we're a lot of band!
BJ: Well we're a lot of band!
We're going to some of Bach's Well-Tempered Clavier because you don't want to be around a clavier that's not well-tempered. My cat had it once, and it was very painful.
These Bridge Boy Music CDs are a trip to the moon on gossamer wings!
I love the artwork on the Bridge Boy Music CD line. They make killer drink coasters!
I don't understand this f*&%$ing kind of music at all. I don't understand what anybody is doing up there. Every one of you got a long f*&%$in' way to go. Do you understand what I'm sayin'? What the f$%# you're doin' up there doesn't deserve to be called a 'name' band.
I used a BBM CD to shore up a short leg on my kitchen table. Now it's rock solid.
I carried a BBM CD around for over a year and it still smelled the same as it did the day I bought it.
Bridge Boy Music jazz CDs have 1/3 less notes than the regular jazz CDs and yet they still sound great.
omg i hav 23874134859034236798340 ewoks en mi casa pepperioni on my house plz with truckjammes plusgood!!!!
Sending >500KB attachments is forbidden by the Geneva Convention. Your country may be at risk if you fail to comply.
You have to feed and feed the hiccups until they turn into liver failure!
I NEED that "|", it's my IRC lifeforce!
Apparently, everyone from the future is _crazy_.
I'd pick out movies that I'd always "been meaning to see" or "really ought to have seen" and then proceed to not watch them, just like I'd successfully done for free my whole life.
Hmmm... "everytime"? That's really a strong word. Could you program it, so it displays it in, hmmm... lets say 90% of cases?
Okay, a little preemptive response to my criticism of nested tables. They are wholly unrelational and have as much place in a RDBMS as a hacksaw in a McDonald's Happy Meal.
Well, to be brief, it's a maintenance nightmare and is akin to taking a shortcut through the minefield: you're pretty certain where all the mines are, but anyone following your path can get into a lot of trouble. I wonder if the defenders of this are the descendants of folks who complained about removing COBOL's ALTER verb. But I digress, here's yet another reason why empowering developers with things like variable variables is as safe as letting kids play with scalpels
Every day the tabloids scream banalities like "CAR AND LIMOUSINE SERVICE: HUGE TERROR LOOPHOLE" at me. I think it encourages continuing fear and unrest.
I like my terminals like my women: VT100 compatible with Tektronix extensions.
it's about time we got some GUI sugar to add to the bitter black hotness of our terminal windows.
I have a special spotlight that shines a magic "Barton"-logo (identical to his Police tatoo) over Gotham City. He'll promptly get in his"Bartmobile" and fight arbitrary injustices or perform recording foo ondemand once that
baby is active.
baby is active.
Check the correction security patch from M$ Corporation!!!
Country.... GOOD! Gravity Test, BAD!
JOIN NOW OR PAY WITH ROBOT MEAT
Note: "Free" does not mean "public domain". "Free" doesn't mean you can sell it, put your name on it, or get the source code. "Free" just means you don't have to pay money for it.
Uugora and Mekmek have an intergalactic battle to try to steal each other souls.